Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
