Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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