3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
