Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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