Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
