His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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