When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
