This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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