so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i just made my gag reflex go away.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
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I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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