I was born with a shot glass in my hand
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
