had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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