Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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