How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
