I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
