Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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