it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
