ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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