if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
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My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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