Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
