break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
