i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
