I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
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He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
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I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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