Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
