i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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