An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
me + whiskey = a bad person
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
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The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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