We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
