I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Why is there bacon in the couch?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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