my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
