Soap is not a condiment
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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