So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.