I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy