Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
