it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
