Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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