Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
The police scanner is talking about you again....
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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