I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
