I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
