I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
