I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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