So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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