i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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