Don't make out with my wife yet
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
