You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
