Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
it was like eating out sand paper
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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