first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
