who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
