i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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