You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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