I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
