So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
