If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
