there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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