I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We talked him into tasing himself.
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In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
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LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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