haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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