Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
